the purefinder - archives - Mon, 2004-06-28
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today at the gym
Today at the gym I did things differently. I didn't arrive and launch myself into 90 minutes of intense cardio, with some weights and machines to follow. I warmed up with 15 minutes on the cross-trainer and then had an hour lifting and pulling and pushing weights (shoulders and arms). I was delighted to find that, when I am not exhausted, I am stronger. Many personal bests were bested.
I started going to the gym because I like walking up mountains and I wanted to be fit enough to be able to do so - without barfing or dying. I have achieved this. That's the basic, and essentially true, version of the gym explanation. I also wanted to love my body more; I'm not talking about onanistic enjoyment, but about self-esteem and valuing myself. I've achieved that as well. I've reminded myself that I am very fortunate to have a strong body that responds quickly to the demands of regular exertion. I've also been reminded that I am capable of continuing to exert myself even after exhaustion and pain arrive.
I'm not a natural competitor; I'm happier to beat my own internal and personal challenges rather than other people. Consequently, the punishing and prolonged demands of walking up mountains seems to be a natural fit for me - I like having to force myself to do a very difficult thing, for a very long time and often in challenging weather and scary places.
I come from a place of hill farms, horrible weather and hard work. A man could get himself respect and a reputation for working harder than his peers. If it was necessary to enlist the help of people you paid, or of neighbours who only required reciprocal assistance, then it was a matter of honour that you worked harder than those that were helping you - to show that you were not requiring their assistance because you were lazy or feeble. As a boy I was expected to work like a man. I haven't ever been able to forget that there are physical reserves deep within us that are only accessible with mental toughness. I've also never forgotten the personal validation that comes from knowing that you kept going when it was almost impossible not to have given up.
When I was younger I scoffed at people who visited gyms; I chose jobs, and occupations, which kept me strong and fit and I, stupidly and smugly, decided that preening vanity was the only possible reason that would motivate a person to visit a gym. Vanity is certainly one of the reasons why people visit gyms; now that I've actually been, I can see that this is so, but I suspect that most people who visit gyms do so because they prefer to have a body that works well and that they can feel good about. There isn't anything wrong with that.
Actually, it is appropriate for me to confess that I am not, and have not been, a stranger to vanity - smugly superior "I'm an (Irish) French-polisher/I'm a cabinet-maker" type vanity. It is probably also appropriate for me to confess that when I was engaged in the mental gymnastics required to allow myself to contemplate a visit to the gym, I actually saw myself pandering to my vanity to a greater extent than I believe I have done. I sold the idea of the gym to myself with the prospect of regaining the fitness that would enable me to make it to the top of mountains without too much purpling and panting and causing concern, for me or others, that I would burst. I also allowed myself to think that it seemed sensible, if I was in the place that held these things, to perhaps push and pull and lift some things that resisted and that it would be nice to be a little 'stronger' than I was.
Despite this suspicion that I might become entranced by the prospect of pert pectorals and bulbous biceps, I have actually used the gym much as I sold the idea to myself - as a facility for improving my cardio-vascular fitness and equipping myself with a body that works better and is easier to love. I have cycled and rowed and cross-trained(!) myself to the point where I feel fit - again. I have lifted and pushed an pulled things - as I imagined I might and I have grown stronger and I have grown muscles.
Today's prioritisation of strength over fitness (to use my personal mental shorthand terms) though fulfilling and enjoyable, and filled with personal glory, wasn't quite as rewarding as my normal cardio-marathon. I suspect that I would become subject to perpetual injury if I were to push myself lifting to the same extent that I can do with my cardio excesses, but it may also be the case that exercising and proving, to myself, my mental strength is more important than my physical strength.